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| This new fine alone thing made me forget to consider others feelings... |
| 12.27.05 (5:01 pm) [edit] |
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I said something really mean to somebody I like alot and I feel so bad for it. I cant take it back,but I wish I could.
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| I return with alittle wisdom .... |
| 12.26.05 (3:52 pm) [edit] |
Holy fuck! I forgot about this thing. Wow...memories and shit. I'm at such a diffrent place now than I was when I last posted. I think I've grown up alot. I guess you can say I'm not as "emo" as I was. Infact fuck everything I once was.
I'm so much stronger and I realize not everything is going to go your way. You win some and you lose some. We learn everyday and grow just a bit more every time we close our eyes. In those very seconds just alittle bit of our lives pass us bye and we know just alittle bit more. It's great irony.
Life amuses me. I love it. I cherish every one of those lost seconds and I adopt them as a part of me forever. Whatever happens is what was intended for my world to keep spinning. Sometimes it's like a rollercoaster,but rollercoasters are supposed to be fun which is why no matter what I have to grin and bear.
Wow....a few years,and a few bumps in the road later I'm so much diffrent than I was when I was 17. I cant believe how neive I was about everything. I guess the saying "foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" really does make sense afterall. However,now I am happy with who i am and i dont need anyone by my side in order to make me see that. I think now at this point in my life I'm ready for anything. I know I can make it through any obstacle. I've done it my whole life. It hurt but I survived,and I'll continue to survive as the reast of my years go by.
To all of you who think you wont make it because something is under your skin or maybe you had your "heart broken" just take it from me. The pain goes away and you become wiser. Then you reach a point where you know life goes on no matter how many more times you get burned. Everything'll be okay.
~Corey
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| goodbye... |
| 07.13.05 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
I'm not posting on tblog anymore. It's been real but I dont have the time,or the patience for certain rejects of the human race. That was directed at one person btw. Anyways,I hope everyone is well and remains that way.
Later ya'll
~Corey
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| Feeling alittle better... |
| 06.25.05 (5:40 pm) [edit] |
She says she's coming back at the end of the summer and maybe even sooner. I hope things work out when she comes back. Theres nothing I want more.
Anyways,enough about that. I just bought a bearded dragon. His name is Puffey. He's the size of one of the lizzards you see outside right now,but he's gonna get much bigger. He likes people too. he lets you hold him and he dosent try to run away. I have to keep him away from my dog though or he'll eat him. My cat seems to take a freaky intrest in him too so I keep him well out of their reach. I finally have an animal of my own though. The dog and the cat are my mom's,so puffey is mine. I bought him for a hundred. I really wanted another ferret but the family dosent want me to because they stink. Thats why I had to get rid of Slinkey.
Oh well, puffey and I will be just fine. I like the little guy already. He eats crickets and fruit,and vegietables. But it's fun to watch him eat crickets. They're bigger than his head but he swallows them whole lol. That reminds me...I have to put more water in his fountain. They have to have running water to survive.
So I'm outty,cuz I need to get on that...
~Corey
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| ...... |
| 06.24.05 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
I had alot on my mind but now I dont quite know what to say. I know I feel abandoned. I keep looking back almost expecting her to be there. I swear I can smell her perfume every time I inhale. The sound of "I love you" coming out of her mouth is stuck in my head. I still wanna call her alot just to tell her how my day went but were over. All of those things are gone now. I cant even think about sex without her popping into my head.
I dont want her to go. I think its really starting to hit me now. It dosent matter how unrealistic my wishes are. I want her to stay. Stephy you cant leave. You cant leave me here alone. If you leave I dont know what I'll do. I know she needs you. I know you love her but so do I. I need you more than you know. I love so much and not only that...yer my best friend. If I cant see you face,or kiss you,or anything else I'm so used to nothing will matter anymore. Whenever I'm doing something I cant wait to get done so I can see you. I missed you everyday when we were together. It'll only be worse if you go. I know yer grandma is sick,but if you leave it'll make me sick as well. I know this sounds pathetic but fuck it. Yer the one I want. Not too long ago I got out of a relationship that meant alot to me. This one cant end too.
Steph,without you here it dosent even see worth it to start my day. I'm so used to you here. I love you being here. I've never been happier in a relationship. Everything with you here is so perfect. I'm talking to you on AIM and I cant seem to be able to tell you this. You think I understand...I guess I do but I'm just trying to help you by not freaking out. If you read this I'm sorry. I cant help this feeling. Just telling it like it is on my blog helps. I'm not so sure if it'll help much but I have to get this out. The truth is I'm gonna miss you terribly and I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you for this but it hurts and its not fair at all. I love you Steph and saying goodbye will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do...
~Corey
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| Happiness is an illusion... |
| 06.23.05 (11:13 am) [edit] |
*empty stare at the computer screen* I'm so tired of complaining but its about all I'm good for so deal with it and the next person to call me emo is getting their fucking head bashed in with a shovel. Is that emo enough for ya?
Steph and I are over. We broke up this morning and we were both really upset about it. I understand why she has to leave so I dont wanna complicate her life by begging her to stay. Her grandmother is sick and she needs her more than I do,but I'm gonna miss her so much.
I thought I found the one once again only to find that I didnt. I hope one day we'll be together again. Maybe one day I'll move over there to be with her but we both know that right now I cant. So what is love,alot of people ask. Love is nothing but a long drawn out disappointment. You're happy for a long time. All you want is to see eachothers smile and have sex and all that fun stuff but in the end somethnig tears us all apart.
I hope one day some girl,hopefully Steph will prove me wrong but until then this is my expierience. Everyone I get close to leaves somehow. But what hurts so much about this one is neither of us wants it. We just both know what has to happen. I cant even explain how much this hurts the both of us. I dont know why things like this have to happen. I wanna beg her to stay here with me. I wanna be selfish and keep my girl all to myself but I cant.
I just dont know why this has to happen to me. I think I'm done with relationships for now. Maybe its not yet my time to settle down. Its just that I always fall so hard,so fast. Or maybe I'm just not meant to love at all.
All I know is I think too much and I should stop while I'm ahead....
~Corey
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| What luck... |
| 06.22.05 (1:43 pm) [edit] |
That was sarcasm. My girlfriend is moving away and I dont know what to do. I dont think we can be together because its so far away but then again I dont think I can give her up. I know i'll get over it eventually but I dont want to do this again. So that means I have alot of thinking to do.
I just wish I could go with her but I cant. I love her enough to say fuck this place and be with her but its just not possible right now. I just dont know what to do.
fuck this thing. I need to go think or something...
~Corey
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| DUDE! |
| 06.18.05 (8:36 pm) [edit] |
That play freaking rocked. I suggest any other city it goes to you mofos should see it. I mean damn it was just a play but it blew my mind. It was so professional looking. It is Broadway afterall. I got a t-shirt. I love it. I think I'll wear it everyday. Okay not really but I still like it alot.
Aight I'm outty
~Corey
ps. darkest hour sucks!
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| Little Shop of Horrors |
| 06.18.05 (11:13 am) [edit] |
I'm going to see it tonight bitches! I used to love that movie when I was younger so when I heard they made a play out of it and it's coming here I jumped at the chance to go. So it starts at 6:30 and I cant wait. I hope it dosent suck though. I hear the reviews are good so we'll see...we'll see.
I'm about to go take a shower so...
chao,
~Corey
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| I get to play music again! |
| 06.17.05 (7:19 pm) [edit] |
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I started a thred on the N.O.punks msg board. The thread was about how I wanna try to get a hardcore band going. I mentioned all my influences and I got a reply from "dom" and "dave"
Dom wants to do a screamo band. Which happends to be what I like singing,but he wants someone that wont scream at all which defeats the whole purpose of having a screamo band.
David,wants someody that screams. Now thats what I like to hear. So I told him I'm down to practice with them. So I talk to him for the first time on AIM and it turns out the band in need is Arcane Theory. I dig Arcane Theory. I talk to david just now and I'm gonna start practicing with them soon.
Then theres the ska band. Were gonna be working on our shit soon. All we needed was a bassist and Gary Bob's down. Lol,Gary is a ska kid now.
Now my voice is getting alittle better so I like HAVE to sing in a band. So I have a Hardcore band and a ska core band. Both should be alot of fun.
~Corey Stigmata
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| Jury duty... |
| 06.14.05 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
This blows! I got summoned for jury duty. What kinda shit is that?? To top it off its on the date I'm supposed to be leaving for Florida so I cant go :cry: . Fuck the judicial system. What sucks even worse is they'll prolly excuse me once I wake up at 8:30 in the morning and ruin my other plans to make it. FUCKERS! I'm only a statistic in this whole thing. Its not like they would really be interested in me for jury duty. What bullshit dude.
Sorry about that. I just had to vent for a sec. So other than that I'm pretty happy I guess. I saw Steph. I didnt see her yesterday and I missed her so we made up for our lost 24 hours. *coughSEXcough* It was good too :P Sometimes we get alittle too carried away with it and we dont stop for hours. Its pretty cool but tiring.
Besides that we went out tp PF Changs. We both like that place alot. Then we went to see The Longest yard. That movie is pretty funny. I laughed alot,so did she. After that we called it a night and here I am about to go to bed. Exciting right? Of course it is.
Well its time to go bed now. I cant keep my eyes open...
~Corey Stigmata
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| Some people can be so heartless... |
| 06.10.05 (10:18 am) [edit] |
Steph and I are doing fine. Theres nothing bad to say about us. I love her and I dont see that changing any time soon so the title had nothing to do with her.
It was about Jessica. I'm sure those of you who know me well enough know all about Jessica. Anyways,my friend Lannie was dating my friend Dre and they broke up not too long ago. They were together for about a year or so. So Lannie goes to Georgia to be with Amber when she had her baby. Oh she had it and its a boy and hes freaking huge. While Lannie was up there Dre and Jessica were hanging out every day. They came over to my house together quite a number of times. I suspected something was going on of course but I had no proof. I still brought it up to lannie tough. I called her alot to tell her what was going on. For some reason I felt I had to. Lannie is one of my only friends I have that's worth hanging out with so naturally my loyalty belongs to her and not Andre and Jessica.
Lannie is back now. Shes been back for a few weeks but Dre and Jessica are still together alot. Lannie and I knew better than to believe them when they said nothing was going on. I mean hell I even caught them in a lie once. I asked them seperate how long they were hanging out one day. Dre said only for an hour. Jessica said they were hanging out since 10:00 that morning and it was about 7:00 pm when I asked them. So, last night while Jessica was staying over at Lannies house and she was sleeping Lannie read her notebook and she found something Dre wrote in it. Lets just say she found all the proof she needed. Afterwards she called Dre and told him she never wants to hear from him again and she kicked Jessica out of her house at 3:00 in the morning with nowhere to go.*HAHA*
Now it wasnt that Lannie still wants Dre. Its that Jessica id supposed to be her best friend and she did nothing but lie about the whole thing. Infact she even told Lannie that she was trying to convince Dre he was wrong for leaving Lannie. It was all a front to save her own ass. So with Steph's permission were gonna let them beileve that when Jessica liked me that there was something going on between Lannie and I.
So lets see where that goes...
~Corey
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| This is stupid... |
| 06.01.05 (12:57 pm) [edit] |
Steph and I decided not to post on tblog anymore because of what happend and all but I dont think I should stop posting because of someone else. So I'm back and I wont be leaving.
Steph,I suggest you do the same but its up to you bay.
Well,I'm out. I'll post again soon...
~Corey
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| Stephanie... |
| 05.24.05 (4:52 pm) [edit] |
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I love you!
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| This is driving me CRAZY!!! |
| 05.21.05 (11:30 pm) [edit] |
Is it possible for me to enjoy a moments peace? I'm finally happy with how things are going and wouldnt you know,someone has to convert me over to the drama side. The grass was so much greener on the other side and I wanna go back to not having so much on my mind again.
Crystal is my friend and I care more than my words of late show. Thats why I'm so aggravated. I dont want her to do that to herself and I just wanna be with my girl without worrying about it bothering somebody. So I was being kinda harsh but I felt like I was handling it and Step gets involved. That made me want to friggin scream. Sorry chick,I love you but you made this so much harder. Then out of nowhere Ash gets involved and that just topped off my headache. Sorry to you too Ash but that didnt make this much easier either. Btw Ash,if you read this before your blog check your msgs on HOS.
So here I sit....with a huge headache because I had my first fight with Stephanie about her getting involved with all of this. She said she was only looking out for me but I just wanted to handle it myself and she didnt even talk to me before she got involved. That just pissed me off. So I told her it complicated things and then she got all weird on me and I got weird with her and we argued for about an hour and we hung on mad at eachother. All this whole situation did was fuck things up and its pissing me off.
Thats my life for ya. Every time something goes good life fucks me with a spoon and turns everything to shit.
I have to go now. I'm tired...
~Corey
ps. Steph,I love you and I'm sorry we fought. Just please talk to me next time you feel like running to my rescue because I never wanna fight again. I'll call you in the morning before I leave to go to your church.
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| giberjaber... |
| 05.20.05 (9:22 am) [edit] |
Sup bitches? I'm over at Stephanies house. Its very....pink in here. lol I wanted to see her face before I head over to House of Shock to do some work. I'm getting paid for it suprisingly. Six dollars an hour to be exact. *shrugs* It's money so piss off! They want some people to clear out an area for the trailers and pull nails out of all the boards they can use for building,and guess who gets the pleasure of doing it...ME! You already knew that seeing as I said I have work to do over there but oh well you know again!
Steph is uhm changing in front of me. Dude,shes so hott! I think I'll shut up now. She just gave me a funny look. Damnit I hate this problem I have with my throat. It's freaking bothering me and I wanna sing damnit. As soon as this crap goes away I'm so starting my band back up. Not playing music drives me insane.
Okay,I just realized I have nothing else to say so...
chao,
~Corey
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| Ash said something nice on her blog so I return the favour... |
| 05.17.05 (3:28 pm) [edit] |
Ash,thank you and I mean that. But like I said in your blog Steph isnt "better than you were" I love her but at that time I loved you just as much. Things are certainly easier for us and its awesome to see my girlfriend so much but when I was with you I was just as content. And that my friend is the truth believe it or not. But thats not what this is about. This is about now. I sincerely hope you're happy and I hope for that with everything in me. I hope you and Austin are just as happy as Stephy and I.
I'll ttyl dude,
~Corey
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| The doctor visit... |
| 05.17.05 (3:02 pm) [edit] |
I dont have cancer lol. I have swollen nogels on my lymphnodes. I have to take medicine and rest my voice which means I prolly wont be singing for a while. Thats aight though. Im just glad Im gonna be okay.
Dude I have absolutely NOTHING to do except read Stephanies blog over and over and other peoples blogs over and over and check my emails over and over lol This sucks badly.
My mom is bitching a mile a minute yo. I can imagine tape over her mouth. I wish my mom came with an offswitch. That would be a luxary.
Well,I'm off like a prom dress...
~Corey Stigmata
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| Update... |
| 05.14.05 (12:54 am) [edit] |
Sup?? I hope everyone's been doing good. I know everything with me is going pretty good. I really dont have much to talk about right now though. I've just got nothing else to do.
Anyways,I have a doctors appointment next week to go get my throat checked out. I have knots in it and sometimes my whole throat feels swollen and it hurts to talk. Its pretty scary. I hope its nothing too serious. I dont want throat cancer thats for sure. I'm scared to hear what the doctor says about it. Okay I really dont wanna talk about this anymore.
Okay so what else can I say? *thinks* Oh...Jake's moving away soon. Next Sunday I think. Hes moving to Florida with his girlfriend. Okay I havent said this to him but to me I think its a bad move on his part. He's in school here and when he moves I think he's quitting for a while to work and save up for a place. Personally I think it makes him appear pussy whipped. His girlfriend basically told him he has to move up there cuz shes "NOT" moving back here. So basically shes tearing him away from school,his family,and his friends. I know its gonna suck without jake. Hes been one of my best friends for so long and now I wont be able to have those random phonecalls. Its always so out of nowhere when he calls. Its like "I've got nothing to do" "me neither" "wanna go do something" "sure" Then we go out and do the stupidest shit ever. Some of the things we've done I dont think I could forget if I tried. Like the time we got really high and he had a fight with the guy on the game I was playing. Lol its one of those things you wouldve had to see to laugh at it. Then whenever I was down in the dumps...especially when I broke up with my ex he would always do his best to make sure I'm having a good time. He was one of the only people I could share my past with and to him it wasnt really that big of a deal cuz hes been through just as much. Everyone always called us "the gay couple" but he was a simple best friend. The gay comments were always so stupid to us. You go through life and only meet one friend like that if you're lucky. Its like we shared a brain. We thaught alike. We were tighter than just about anyone. Now hes going away to go lay on a fucking beach? Fuck that! I'm not really pissed off. I guess I understand but I thought jake would be the one to stick around. I thought he would be the one I'd be friends with forever. I guess I was wrong. Best friends can become strangers afterall.
I have other friends. I have Blaze,Seth,Idiot,Lannie,a nd all my other friends but it wont be the same. I dunno I think it'll just take time to get used to it. Seth and I are going up to Florida to visit him and go see Alkaline Trio,and Rise Against. That should be fun. We'll have good times still I guess and I'm sure we'll be nice and high to go along with it lol.
I'm getting a new guitar!! Thats always fun. That just means I'll have one other thing to pass the time when I'm bored. That or annoy my family into submission :lol:
Stephanie and I are doing great. I never have anything to complain about when it comes to her. Shes funny,beautiful as beautiful gets,smart,and just everything big and small I would want in a girlfriend. The sexlife is amazing. The times we have together just hanging out or crusing the town always seem to complete my day. She always knows what to say to me and when to say it as well. What else can I say? Love is great,but being in love with her completes everything about me. Not to mention my mom LOVES her. That's not an easy thing to accomplish but they actually go shopping and shit like without me there. That blows my mind but it's a good thing...definitely a good thing.
Well I'm off to give her a goodnight kiss and were going to bed. Steph and I...not my mom and I :? :lol:
~Corey Stigmata
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| I bit my tounge... |
| 05.04.05 (12:21 pm) [edit] |
Its like bleeding. Fuck you Blaze....
Anyways,life has been pretty good I guess. I've been studying for the ACT and helping Lannie out so she can pass it too. Shes got a book "The ACT For Dummies" It actually explains it really well for a book.
Steph....is really hott as always. Gotta be happy with her. Theres never a dark day there. Except when I'm a jackass.
My band...is going nowhere.
My mom is doing great. That makes me alittle more confortable.
I think thats about all I got for today,
~Corey Stigmata
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| Btw... |
| 04.30.05 (2:39 pm) [edit] |
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I took unsucribed viewers comments off cuz the bitch in a skirt annoys me so if you wanna comment sign in bitches!
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| Steph... |
| 04.30.05 (2:14 pm) [edit] |
I can finally write about her on my blog. Being honest helps alot. To be honest I know somehow I would end up with Steph. I'm happy with her. Something happend with her that I can fully talk about now. Her and I slept together one night and we had a pregnancy scare. She had her monthly visit though so were good.
Just recently we exchanged I love yous. It was the first time I've said it to her at all and since then we've hung out just about everyday. To be honest if it werent for her I dunno what I'd do right now. Theres so much going on lately. Shit's been crazy but she
s been right there making it seem so easy to get through. The only mistake I wont make with her is making her my whole life. Theres space between us and also freedom. I like that. I dont get jealous of other guys and she dosent get jealous of other girls. That helps alot. We trust eachother like no other couple I have ever seen.
Like I'm friends with Crystal and I talk to her about stuff I dont talk to many others about. A certain ex of mine hated that but Steph would understand and I can talk to Crystal without guilt or discomfort. Then theres all my other chick friends I can talk to also with no worries. Not to mention she loves all my friends. Well the ones she knows anyway and her friends are pretty cool too....for a bunch of preps lol.
Well I guess Im gonna go now. I have to go call her in a minute.
later,
~Corey Stigmata
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| Plotted collision,the one you fear in your darkest hour's end... |
| 04.25.05 (3:13 pm) [edit] |
That was a part of a song I wrote and it fits as my subject line actually. Something happend,something fucked up. I cant say just what yet because I dont know if its true yet. All I will say is that I hope its not. And if it is....oi I dunno. All I can do is hope and pray that it isnt true.
I'm more scared right now than I have ever been in my entire life. I dunno what to do. I dunno what to say,or think. This is so screwed up.
Seeing as I wont say what it is I'm talking about I'll just let it go and save it for when I know exactly is going on.
~Corey Stigmata
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| I do drugs and listen to Slipknot too... |
| 04.23.05 (1:06 pm) [edit] |
It seems as though my blog harbors rediculios comments because unlike many I actually have a heart. Look its not my fault your parents beat you up and kicked you out of the house at twelve. This is what I have to get out how I feel. I dont talk about whats inside often but on here I can say anything I want even if it means calling you bitches fake. This is aimed at the comments on my last entry btw.
Basically what I'm saying is give up. Do me and the rest of the world a favour and od. People like you are whats wrong with the world today. You call me a trendy punk and emo fag when you're just as trendy. You just listen to a diffrent form of music and fall into a diffrent trend setting. Fuck you,fuck your mother for giving birth to a piece of shit like you,and pretty much fuck you. Go listen to some more HateBreed and get so pissed off that you drive a car into a brick wall. Death is a release in your case. It would mean you dont have to look like a dumbass anymore and I wouldnt have to listen to your pointless rambling about drugs and you being a fudge packer anymore. Its a win win situation.
~Corey Stigmata
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| Somethings bothering me.... |
| 04.15.05 (11:59 pm) [edit] |
Why? Why did I have to read that? I'm such a retard! I should just leave it alone but I cant help it I guess. Its not like she dosent read my blog too though. But what I read...its screwing with my head.
She says karma has played its role before she even did what she did. Yes I did some things that might have made her jealous but NEVER did I get involved with that chick. She was a friend at that time. It seemed she understood me so we just clicked and started hanging out but I still loved Ash so I played the good guy role only for it to turn around and kick me in the ass later. I never did anything to compromise what we had. Sure I stepped back cuz things got hard but I came back when it was so plain to see she was all that was on my mind.
Hell it was like that still up until the point of a few weeks ago. I can understand the issues she had with our relationship and even her reason for wanting to end it but I never deserved what happend. I've never done anything but respect her enough to always be honest.
Yeah,I let go and I'll never look back but still it bothers me when she would even bring that back up. And even if that was the case what I did was way before Ash and I got serious. I didnt wait a year down the line and wouldnt have ever. I'm so done with it all though. I care about her and I guess I love her...still dunno about that but enough is enough. Love isnt supposed to hurt this much. You have to know when to walk away. I've taken enough damage. Now I move on. I've said my goodbyes. I have no regrets. I feel like I handled my relationship with her in the best way possible. I just regret shutting down people that couldve very well made me happy for something like this that ended up nowhere.
I have someone else that makes me happy now. It turns out she understand me alittle more than anyone ever has. I can be simply me. I've really never felt like simply me was enough. I didnt have that with Ash,Marina,or anyone for that matter. She finds me hott and very much likewise. I actually talk alot around her and I'm not deathly shy like I am with other girls. She likes my music...well not some of it lol She makes me feel like I'm something more than just simple. She helps me see the good in every situation no matter how difficult it may appear. Shes slowly gaining my trust,love,and everything else involved and that just makes me all around happier. And if this one dosent work out either then I'll have learned something new once again. Thats what I take out of my past relationships. They have all taught me alot. Now I learned from certain mistakes and I can make sure not to make them again. Life is a constant lesson to be learned and thats how I look at it every day. I wont dwell in the past but I'll learn from it. I'll be strong and more independent. I can love and I can care but I'll never put someone elses dreams before mine and whoever I end up with will have to be the same way. I think I have that with her. I think she understands that I have my own agenda and I understand she has hers but so far they dont clash. Thats always something to smile about right?
I think for the first time in my life I can say I'm proud of me. I'm proud to be me and I'm proud to have been through so much at an early age. Its made me stronger and I'm ready for so much. One simple heartache was just the push I needed. So I mean this from the bottom of my heart...thank you for all you've helped me to see. I cant hate you. I could never do that. You were something special to me and if you werent then I wouldnt be where I am right now. Hell,I'd prolly be nowhere without all the positive and negative motivation you've given me. Just remember,I never lied to you about what happend back the and karma never played its role and I dont want it to either. Just live your life and succeed. If ever you look back on "us" dont let that thought ruin your day. They were good times when it counted. I dont dread those memories. I'm glad to say at one time you were so much to me. Now with everything we have been through I think were both stronger and more independent people. Nothing bad came out of this in the longrun. So take care and see happier days.
~Corey
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